Charting the jokes

I've become addicted to GraphJam, where people make jokes via graphs and charts. 

For example:




They are funny because they are true:







My all-time favorite:

Government health care to the rescue

Amidst all the crazy at Michelle Bachman's GOP teabag party on the Capitol this week, Dana Milbank noted one bit of irony during the proceedings.  After displaying signs like this:

and, among other things, decrying government health care as more dangerous than terrorists and suggesting that Congress should be waterboarded, this happened:

More ominously, a man standing just beyond the TV cameras apparently suffered a heart attack 20 minutes after event began. Medical personnel from the Capitol physician's office -- an entity that could, quite accurately, be labeled government-run health care -- rushed over, attaching electrodes to his chest and giving him oxygen and an IV drip.

This turned into an unwanted visual for the speakers, as a D.C. ambulance and firetruck, lights flashing, pulled in just behind the lawmakers. A path was made through the media section, and the patient, attended to by about 10 government medical personnel, was being wheeled away on a stretcher just as House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) stepped to the microphone. "Join us in defeating Pelosi care!" he exhorted. A few members stole a glance at the stretcher. Boehner may have been distracted as well. He told the crowd he would read from the Constitution, then read the "we hold these truths" bit from the Declaration of Independence.

A Good Ol' Fashioned Book Burning

At some point, you have to admire a person's commitment to intolerance.

Sure, it's easy to condemn Brian McLaren and Shane Claiborne. After all, they have expansive views on Christian responsibility and don't condemn other religions.  And burning a pile of rock, rap and heavy metal records is just a cliche at this point.

All that is sissy stuff for Marc Grizzard, pastor of Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Waynesville, NC.  Their book-burning this past Halloween was the good old-fashioned kind.



Included was pretty much all music that is not sung in church to the glory of God, since it is all considered Satanic by AGBC.  The usual suspects were of course included, but they also burned country, pop, soft & easy, western, soul, jazz, southern gospel (including The Anchormen, because they performed at Dollywood, whose owner was in a movie called the "The Best Little Whore House in Texas"), contemporary christian (too popular and secular for their tastes, including Amy Grant, who once gave an interview to a Catholic magazine), and some category called "oldies but goldies," left unexplained.

Of course, you can't have a book burning without the books. Unsurprisingly, books by McLaren and Claiborne make the list. More surprising are books by Franklin Graham (soft on rock music), Mother Teresa (Catholic),  James Dobson (because Dobson is friends with Glenn Beck, who curses, and you are supposed to shun people who curse, which saddens him, because Glenn Beck's heart is in the right place), Rick Warren (who knows -- I stopped reading) and hundreds of other name-brand Christians.

However, their Pièce de résistance, the cherry on their ice cream sundae of purity, is their burning of Bibles.  Like many, they believe the King James translation to be the real deal.  Unlike others, they believe any other English translation of the Bible is a perversion, and needs to be burned.  Their list of perversions is quite long -- basically any Bible that is not the King James. Lest you think their intolerance is crazy, however, note that they do accept different versions of the King James, and also Bibles written in other languages.

Not reported was whether any witches were discovered in their midst, or whether there are plans for some kind of crusade to retake the holy land from the heretics who currently occupy it.

So, Poe's law strikes again, given that it is impossible to parody Amazing Grace Baptist Church.  I was once again fooled, as I thought for certain this was a parody when I first heard about it.

I'm probably making too much of this, given that the church only has 14 members.  On the other hand, they keep getting emails from people who agree with them.

I guess the only thing to say to Amazing Grace Baptist Church is: Congratulations.  The attention they are getting far outdistances their numbers or their influence, for now. Their commitment to intolerance should inspire us all, hopefully to a commitment to something other than intolerance.

Romans 13 in American Discourse

Romans 13:

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgement.

Although I heard this passage quoted almost continually during the Bush era, I've not heard it lately.  In fact, I have noticed a certain pattern regarding Romans 13 and public discourse over the last 30 years:

Conclusion: Sometimes, Romans 13 is relevant to American politics and sometimes it isn't. Once we find the right correlation, we can predict when it will be relevant again.

Philip Spooner

This made me all teary-eyed, right around 2:00 mark:

Al Franken on bankruptcy

Here's Al Franken, kicking some health care reform debate butt:

Home Page for Articles

Writing Life Update: 

1. Regular readers have probably noticed a drop-off in both blog posting and Smile Politely columns lately.  I'm working on a longer-term project, which I don't want to say anything about until I get further along.  I do plan to keep my toe in the blogging world, or perhaps a knee or a thigh, but it won't be my focus for the next few months. However, I did enter a Washington Post Pundit contest, and if I make the cut for the next round, all that will change. 

2. I had another article accepted at Geez Magazine, about how Jesus might run a Bed and Breakfast.  Not sure of the publication date, but I'll link to it when it comes out.

3. I had a very nice rejection letter from The New Yorker.  Looking back, I'm not even sure why I submitted anything, since I am the secretary of the Science Club and The New Yorker is the Prom Queen. But the Prom Queen, or more likely, the 23-year-old intern-assistant of the Prom Queen, actually sent back a note, saying the article had "evident merit and humor."  Hurray for good rejections!

4. The extra Geez article has made me feel especially writerly, and inspired me to create a Dan Schreiber The Writer Home Page.  It includes selected highlights of things I've written, including articles in print magazines, Smile Politely columns and other things of which I'm either proud or not ashamed.  I plan to also put a few blog highlights there, but slogging through two and half years of blog entries seems daunting right now.  In any case, it will be a good place to archive stuff I want to show other people.

Adopt-A-Liberal

My Smile Politely column this week is on the Liberty Council's Adopt-a-Liberal program, where I admit my preference for being prayer at than being yelled over. Available here.

The Nobel?

I suppose if you believe that Obama’s image took on a permanent smudge after the Olympic Committee ignored him (and awarded the Olympics to Rio de Janeiro), you have to admit that winning the Nobel Peace Prize is a much bigger vote of confidence.

Does he deserve it? No, not yet. We are still in two wars, Israel continues to kill Palestinian civilians with American weapons, and he presides over a military budget that is almost as much as the rest of the world’s combined. And I don’t think continuing the ban on homosexuality in the military really counts as a way to reduce the presence of standing armies in the world (one of the original criteria for the Nobel Peace Prize). On the other hand, clearly stating the importance of international diplomacy and "cooperation between peoples" is worth rewarding at this point in history.

So, I agree with the criticism that this is more about what he wants to do than about anything he has actually done. At the same time, it’s ironic that conservatives are so mad that he got the award for having accomplished so little, when they are the ones that dug the hole he is standing in, and the ones standing in his way of accomplishing much.

Nonetheless, an American President winning the Nobel Peace Prize should be a cause for national pride. Let's hope people can turn away from "hating Obama more than they love America," as Jon Stewart so aptly put last week.

UPDATE: Obama just gave some remarks about the award, essentially saying that is it a call to action for him, rather than acknowledgement of any accomplisments. He shares the award "with everyone who strives for justice and dignity." Full text available here.

Those Soulless Referees

Raider's cornerback Chris Johnson was flagged on Sunday after he intercepted a pass, fell to his knees and thanked God.

Raider conspiracy theorists believe he was flagged because he was wearing a Raiders uniform. Some Christians believe this is just another example of Christian persecution. However, the trouble with the persecution angle is that you can't really tell that he is praying to Jesus. Instead, he could have been praising Zoroaster or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And really, it looks more like he was asking people to praise Chris Johnson.

While the video is still available on-line, you can judge for yourself:



Referees may or may not have souls, but they were at least correct to call the penalty. There's a rule against celebrating in the end zone by dropping to your knees or using the ball as a prop. Call it a Raider-hating, Christian-persecuting rule, but they applied it correctly.

As it happens, I think they should outlaw prayer and/or thanks to God during a game. I think it is unsportsmanlike of God to determine the outcome of specific plays, and it's unsportsmanlike of players to request such a thing. The penalty should be greater than 15 yards too, since the effect of God overturning free will to favor one side is likely much greater than a 15 yard advantage.

However, the grief refs are getting for this reminds me of one of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits, where John Goodman is on The Referee Pitman Show (of which no video seems to be available):

Host: Okay. Next question for the Ref.
Audience Member: Hi. Great show, Ref. My boy and I were wondering what it's like for you to have no soul. And also, what do you use to fill up your body where the soul would be? Now, is that human excrement, or dog excrement?
Ref: [chuckles] I wish I had a dime for every time I was asked that one!

Things You Can Do With a Trumpet

Defying all expectations, the Ten-Year-Old chose the trumpet for his 5th grade band instrument. After an early life of hitting everything in sight with sticks, the $400 drum set we bought 2 years ago remains idle and dejected in the basement.

However, the trumpet has brought musical enthusiasm to the house. He seems to be a natural trumpet player, as he spends much of his time trying make it go Higher, Louder, Faster. But mostly Louder. Here are his experiments and results so far:

• Play Standing Up Inside the House (good loud notes often accompanied by yells to be quiet)
  
  
• Play Lying Down on the Ground (hard to get a lot of air out, sound is muffled)
  
  
• Play Sitting Down (Better than Lying Down, not as good as Standing Up)
  
  
• Hold Trumpet up to Sister's Ear and Suck In Breath (can't even get note off before getting yelled at by parents)
  
  
• Play Outside (loud notes not accompanied by yells as much, plus can play in direction of neighbors whose kids’ had high school bands for six years)
  
  
• Play While Marching Around (hard to keep lips on mouthpiece)
  
  
• Play on Top of Play Structure (Loudest yet, sound bounces off houses)

Other experiments:

• Can You Kill a Bug by Playing a Trumpet at It? (Not yet)
  
  
• What if You Put the Bug in a Glass and Play Directly into the Glass? (Yes, that does the trick)
  
  
• What if You Play Along with a CD? (Based on experiments conducted so far, can play louder than Miles Davis on "Kind of Blue")
  

I’ll report back on any other interesting things he does to or with a trumpet. I am already dreading band camp in three years.

Liberal vs. Conservative Rooms

Do liberals and conservatives have different personality types? One recent study (“The Secret Lives of Liberals and Conservatives”) says yes. Liberals tend to be more open-minded, creative, curious, and novelty seeking, whereas conservatives tend to be more conscientious, orderly, conventional, and better organized.

I guess this underscores why we need both liberals and conservatives. Someone needs to keep order and someone needs to look for better ways of doing things. Someone needs to point out when order becomes oppression and someone else needs to point out that not every way of doing something different is better. We just need to find some balance, preferably in ways other than shouting at each other and comparing each other to Hitler.

What I found most interesting about the study was how it used unobtrusive measures. An unobtrusive measure indirectly studies something without intruding on the person or thing being studied. For instance, instead of asking people in a museum what most interested them, or using cameras to count people, an unobtrusive measure would look at traffic patterns in carpet. The areas that are most worn would indicate which displays are the most popular. It's a very clever way to study something, and reduces the odds of bias by both the researcher and the researchee.

The ideology/personality study looked at the rooms and offices of liberals and conservatives, as one unobtrusive data point. What people leave out for others to see may tell us something about their personality, and may be correlated with a conservative/liberal ideology.

The results were interesting. Some items seem to confirm stereotypes (conservatives displays flags, liberals own folk music), others seem random (conservatives keep stamps, liberals keep tape), and others seem to go against type (Classic Rock for liberals?)

Below are the results, with conservatives items first and liberal items second:


Conservative, in decreasing order of likeliness:

.34 Sports-related décor (posters, paintings, photos)
.31 Event calendar
30 Postage stamps
.29 Presence of string/thread
.28 Iron and/or ironing board
.25 Laundry basket
.23 Any type of flag (including USA flags)
.23 Alcohol bottles/containers
.21 Flag of USA
.20 Well-lit (vs. dark)
.17 Fresh (vs. stale)
.16 Neat (vs. messy)
.15 Clean (vs. dirty)
.15 Modern (vs. old-fashioned)
.12 Colorful (vs. gloomy)
.06 Stylish (vs. unstylish)

Liberal, in increasing order of likeliness
-.01 Comfortable (vs. uncomfortable)
-.10 Organized (vs. disorganized) CDs
-.11 Cluttered (vs. uncluttered)
-.11 Distinctive (vs. ordinary)
-.15 Full (vs. empty)
-.19 Varied (vs. homogeneous) CDs
-.21 Books about travel
-.22 Classic rock CDs
-.22 Modern rock CDs
-.22 Reggae music CDs
-.22 Collections (e.g., stamps, action figurines, etc.)
-.22 Cultural memorabilia (e.g., trinkets brought back from vacation)
-.22 Tickets for/from travel
-.23 Many (vs. few) CDs
-.24 Books about ethnic topics
-.24 Folk music CDs
-.24 Tape dispenser
-.25 Movie tickets
-.25 Books about feminist topics
-.25 Books about music
-.25 Oldies music CDs
-.25 International maps (maps of countries other than the USA)
-.25 Many (vs. few) books

Fully Infromed

The Huffington Post has a running article on the funniest protest signs of 2009, available here. My favorites are below:


Infromed: The state of being both inflamed and misinformed. Thank you Fox News, for fully infroming your viewers.

As a huge Arrested Development fan, I couldn't agree more. You'd think that all the socialism we currently live under would allow the president to bring back cancelled comedies. Obama should do something about that Earl show too.


Deuteronomy: the gift that keeps giving.

Creepy Black Balloons

These creep black balloons make me want to bike a little more:

Stuff White People Like

My Smile Politely column this week is about the website Stuff White People Like. I am satisfied to report that my inner whiteness is in complete harmony with my outer whiteness.